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If Aamir Khan Did Not Make Taare Zameen Par: A Movie Un-Review

If you want to know how good Taare is, just go to your nearest theater and watch the people coming out after the show. The cacophony that surrounds a crowd exiting a theater will be missing. Some would be walking in slow motion. Some would look petrified. At least thats what happened in the theater I went to. Not a single soul was talking after the movie, probably because what everyone saw on screen was not fiction, but a semi-biography of his/her own life. In fact, the normally rowdiest gang in a theatre (ie my friends and I) that is uber vocal at the end of a film left the theater in pin drop silence. The first thing we said to each other -Aamir Bhai has done it again.
Indeed, Aamir Khan had done it again. I have a gut feeling that Taare would change people like no other movie has previously done.
I know only Aamir can make a film like Taare. But let us assume he did not make it (dream on!). What would the film have been like?

If Karan Johar made Taare
Obvious starcast:
Shah Rukh Khan as the arts teacher (duh duh duh!!).
Aryan Khan as the dyslexic child (even if he could not act for nuts).
Rani Mukerjee as the kids mom (assuming Kajol is unavailable).
Abhishek Bachchan as the kids dad.
Amitabh Bachchan as the school principal (who cares if the role is ultra minute, he can afford it).
It would be shot in New York to appeal to the NRI audience.
The story line would obviously be different. SRK would fall for the dyslexic kids mom. The last scene would have the mom running to the teacher rather than the kid. And again, like in so many other movies, SRK would get someone elses girl.
It would have one dance number.
The film would be titled Kuch Taare Zameen Par.
If Sanjay Leela Bhansali made Taare
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Mera source code padh kar hasnaa nahin,
Ise chalata dekh tum fasna nahin,
Main testing karta hun boss ki kasam,
Bina piye Whiskey , Beer ya Rum

Bill Gates milaa mujhe raste mein,
Beche Windows humne saste main,
Usne kaha “Tujhe CEO banaoo”,
Ghar tere aake Operator ban jaoon…
Bill Gates ko kaha mere ghar na aanaa,
Bill Joy ko bol diya naa baba naa,

Chahe Boston me dede mujhe BMW car,
Ya H-1 pe dede mujhe dollar dus hazaar,
Par development ke liye main to kachha hoon,
Dus saal se Porting mae achchaa hoon,

Mere daddoo, likhe software,
Binaa use kiye, koi Hardware,
Meri beti, banegi Aunty,
Jab tak install hoga NT

Release ho raha hai mera Software nayaa,
Unix ko DOS pe hai port kiyaa,
Microsoft ne jab mera H-1 kiyaa,
Bug free Windows maine release kiya

Newton ’s Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method:
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Lets suppose TITANIC was made in INDIA… This is how the movie would go… :))

1.There would be 10 times as many people on the ship.

2. There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a White dress, > singing in the rain.

3. By the end of the movie hero would find his long lost mom, dad, sister and brother.
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